Why should tax-payers have to pay to educate everyone in the country? This question has been on the minds and lips of many conservatives lately. I think they have a right to be concerned, and that's why I'm proud to be a member of the PSTSA (Privetize The School System Allience). Although our organization has, like all vehicles of great change, started out small, we know we're not alone in our beliefs. Here's a sample of some patriotic Americans, and their views on the socialist education system:

Very Unskilled Laborer Bill Grunting of Sticky Fence, Oklahoma: "Learnin' din't help me none. 'sides, Papa says school is the devil!"

Nebraska Senator Gecko Hitler: "Sure, they've all got free education up there in Canada, but some students have to ride a bus for over eight minutes to get there!"

Author/Comedienne/Hockey Mom/Not Vice President Sarah Palin: "Now they're talking about "Math Panels". Citizens who have trouble with arithmetic will be burned to death in giant pits. I'm sorry. I don't think that's right. I mean, gosh."

Sarah Illustrating the Importance of Education at a Rally for Stupidity in Gallstone, Texas

Pastor Phil Felch of Anus, Kansas: "There's only one book Americans need to read, and that's the good book. Ah personally recommend the thin, abridged versions with the wonderful color pictures. As a pastor, Ah can assure you all the best and least confusing stories are in those ones. You want to hear about the nastier stuff, show up on Sunday morning at 9:30. Bring money."

Former President George W. Bush: "I'm a fucking idiot, and I was the president."

If this is how America feels about education, why isn't President Hussein Obama taking the PSTSA seriously?

Liberals are no longer content with obsessing over peace and health. Now they're insisting that everyone should know all sorts of things.

Dare I ask, "What's next...?"

From teen superstar, to whatever this is a picture of, to Catholicism's #1 sexual plaything - what went wrong?

Some say it was the drugs, others blame the bittersweet, first-name sharing, friendship/rivalry with Corey Feldman, but one thing is for sure: Vatican (unlicenced) massage therapist, Luigi "Fingers" Rotini, was the last man too see, and rub, Haim alive.

Haim had been rooming with the Pope (or Ben-dog, as he playfully referred to himself when with Corey) for several weeks, and while the Italian media didn't entirely ignore the relationship, they probably could, and should, have dug deeper.

Rotini, stopped by reporters on his way to Vatican Prison (or "Freedom"), had this to say (in a cartoonish Italian accent): "I give-a him massage, he ask-a me to "finish him off", I not understand. What is-a the big deal? He was no Mel Gibson..."

Father Giorgio "Mafia" Antipasto, a regular customer of "Fingers" Rotini, defended both his masseur and his boss. "You leave "Fingers" and "Legs" alone, or I break yours, capice?" warned the linebacker-sized Priest, "Rotini ain't used to that "finish me off" crap. Most of us just say somethin' like "Gimme an Alterboy Special", y'know what I'm sayin'? Simple. Straightforward. No room for misintoipretation, see...?"

"Legs" Benedict

We reached a tearful Corey Feldman at his home, also at the Vatican.

FH: Mr. Feldman, I'm sorry for your loss.

CF: Emptiness. There's nothing left. It's all over...

FH: Tell us about your relationship with Corey Haim. You first worked together on the film "The Breakfast Club". What was that like?

CF: No man. Neither of us were in that. We met on the set of -

FH: Right! It WAS "Sixteen Candles". Sorry about that. When did your infamous rivalry begin? Was it during the filming of "Candles"?

CF: It was "The Lost Boys". You're thinking of Anthony Michael Hall, not Corey Haim.

FH: Actually, I might have been thinking about Molly Ringwald. Is she dead?

CF: I don't know.

FH: Well, Thanks very much for your time, Mr. Feldman. I know this hasn't been easy. I'm sure I'm speaking for all of my readers when I say we'll never forget you in "Teen Wolf".

CF: How did you get this number?

A Pensive Corey Feldman on the Set of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

Riddle me this Batman:why are the biggest a-holes in San Francisco the bicyclists?

I’m not talking your average S.F citizen who uses peddling to commute around town. I’m talking about the hipsters who ride more for fashion: the fixed gear, no brake crew, who adorn themselves in the same cookie-cutter uniform and pretentiously scoff at you for riding an out-of-date Schwinn. (With extreme sarcasm: “Nice bike!”)

Biking is one of our earliest childhood joys: “Weeee! I’m on a bike!” “Look, no hands!” “I’m riding without training wheels!”

Jump ahead 15 years later: “Watch me PUNCH a cab driver in the FACE!”

Read more about a-hole San Francisco bicyclists on my new SF Chronicle blog.

 The gift shops in Las Vegas sell T-shirts that you never see live humans wear in real-life outside of being ironic.

When it comes to T-shirts sold in Vegas, gone are the days of clever double-entendres. For example, look at the T-shirt above. If a guy wore this, it would be the most effective form of birth control being no women in her right mind would ever want to sleep with him.

And in case you didn’t get the joke about being an Amateur Gynecologist, the T-shirt designers added the two fingers to graphically drive the point home.

Please, more subtlety in your message. This T-shirt designer is a regular Oscar Wilde of wit. Again, all the humor would be lost if they didn’t include the white sploshes. A crisp $20 bill to anyone who wears this the first time they meet their new girlfriend’s parents.

Do you have a favorite T-shirt that you would never see a live human wear?

Check out my complete Vegas T-shirt shopping spree at Craveonline.

 

 Know what I love? It’s that perfect marriage between church, gospel music, and hot babes doing aerobics. If only I could find something that combines these three things together. Thank bloody-Jesus-on-a-cross I came across Michelle LeMay’s Gospel Aerobics.

The former National Aerobics Champ takes us on a little video journey. We begin in church. A gospel choir is adorned in what appears to be Snuggies. Aerobic dancers in short-shorts are silhouetted in dark shadows. Then it breaks into a big Kumbaya/gospel extravaganza.

Coming off the heels of Paul Eugene’s Sanctified Slide, this is another one of Christian aerobic’s finest hours. Where Eugene’s style was more in-your-face, Michelle LaMay’s production builds to a full-blown Broadway extravaganza that totes not only Christians and church, but also gospel robes, obscenely tight aerobics clothes, and gospel choirs. Makes me want to get down and pray while working on my calves and thighs.

 

Read the full scoop at Huffington Post.

 

Celebrate! Celebrate! Dance to the music!

Our Mo'Nique is now an Academy Award winner. In honor of Mo'Nique we at Freedom Haters would like to once again present her favorite performance. Enjoy Oscar winner Mo'Nique. 

This story has it all: money, action, foreign intrigue, etc.

On Saturday, six men armed with assault rifles and machetes stormed the European Poker Tour (EPT) in Berlin and made off with the $1.2 million tournament prize money. Who orchestrated this: the screenwriters of the Bourne Supremacy?

As a frequent correspondent of the poker tour, I can’t believe this heist took place in broad daylight in the heart of Berlin. Is German casino security on par with that of a KFC rent-a-cop? The robbers got away unscathed and no serious injuries were reported. Tournament play resumed mere hours after the attack. Yes, armed robberies come-and-go but poker must live on! All I can say is, why don’t I get the exciting tournaments to report on?

You Tube let us experience the mayhem mere minutes after the incident:

 

 Holy Pope!