Last October I spent a weekend with the Christian group, Hookers for Jesus. Led by former call girlAnnie Lobert, Hookers for Jesus is a group of ex-prostitutes who try to get the working girls off the streets of Vegas and into church.

Hookers for Jesus usually targets casinos. They seek out prostitutes and give them gift bags filled with a Bible, girly lotions, and an invitation to church. It was a fascinated/eye-opening experience as I got to see firsthand the complete underbelly of the Los Vegas prostitution culture and how embedded it is in the hotel/casino system.

The complete story is in the new issue of Penthouse but I thought I’d give you a little teaser of Hookers for Jesus and their Las Vegas crusades to save Sin City:

A drunken bachelorette party passes. One woman sports a paper hat with the word WHORE blazed in marker with an arrow pointing down. Another hat proclaims I SWALLOW.

Annie is suddenly recognized by a clean-cut guy handing out promotional cards for a bar.

“Oh, my God, you’re the Hookers for Jesus girl!” he exclaims. “My wife was in jail and you guys gave her one of your cards. You said you’d pray for her.”

A prostitute who looks like an R. Crumb cartoon walks by and gets the reaction, “That’s old school. She has it all hanging out. She’s 1999.”

“Look at her, she’s totally working it,” Annie says, pointing out a young hooker sitting by the beer-pong tables with two guys—laughing uproariously at everything they say. “She’s green, too. Look how she’s acting.”

Another creature in his natural habitat: “There’s a pimp right there!” Annie exclaims. The shark circles the trick pool with a jacket over his shoulder. Mere moments later, another spotting: “Roxy said that’s a pimp she knows named Marvin.” Annie gestures to a black guy in a white suit and Kangol hat who casually chats to one of his ho’s. It’s beginning to feel like something out of the Book of Revelations. Nearby, more ho-spotting. A hooker flirts with an excited Asian guy on a bar stool. “She’s working it. She’s working that guy.”

“Are you going to move in with a gift bag?”

“If a girl is with a client you don’t want to wreck her game. She’ll just get pissed off and say, ‘Why are you trying to mess up my money?’ ”

“You don’t want to wreck what she’s doing,” Roxy adds. “Maybe she’s got a quota.”

A stunning blonde in a short, tight, purple dress with reddish-brown streaks in her hair struts toward the bar. I can firmly say she’s got all the classic hooker traits. Annie immediately engages her. They connect. They laugh. Hair tips seem to be traded. After a few minutes Annie brings her over. “She’s a police officer in Sweden!”

“I’m here for the body-building convention!” the woman says, still laughing. “In Sweden we arrest the johns to crack down on the demand,” she explains.

After the hooker cop leaves, Annie tells me the Swede had whispered to her: “Come and party with me tonight. I’ll make you smile!”

Read the complete story in the new issue of Penthouse

That's right it's Valentine's Day; the celebration of being love or feeling really shitty that you're not in love. In honor of the occasion, the folks at Comedy.com had me put together a little video of the funniest I love yous from comedy history. 

Enjoy! 

 So yesterday I ventured to Macworld 2010 in order to marvel at the latest in futuristic devices that made me feel like Cro-Magnon man dazzled by fire.

This is the show where latest cutting-edge gadgetry is unveiled for the masses. Attending Macworld 2010 like stepping into Futureland at Disney World.

The place was packed — mostly with awkward men who looked like they invented the Internet (with the help of Al Gore, of course). Conversation topics lean toward hard-drive issues and comparisons of gigabyte motherboards.

What I wanted to find was the least impressive booths at the whole affair. To get a booth at MacWorld, companies have to fork over $5K and up — depending on their strategic position on the showroom floor.

I wanted explore the underdogs at this big tech expo — those men and women who are following their mad dreams of being the next Steve Wozniak (like the dude pictured here) Of course, their booths were situated in the showroom hinterlands by the emergency exits and restrooms.

Yes,  I wanted to salute the unsung heroes of the Macworld expo!

Here’s a sample (you can read the entire story atAsylum.com):

We’re the world interactive police scanner,” says the dude, clad in a law-enforcement uniform and mirrored shades. “You can listen to some 2,300 police transmissions from all over the world — and post messages.”

“Isn’t that illegal?” I ask.

“It’s illegal to communicate with them.”

[Awkward silence.]

“You’ve heard of reality TV?” he says.

“Yes,” I reply.

“Well, this is a reality app.”

[More awkward silence.]

“Police Scanner 2 — we’re the good guys!”

[Pause.]

“Okay,” I say.

See the rest of the underdogs of Macworld 2010 by going toAsylum.com

 If you don’t feel raped enough when airlines make you pay for your checked-in luggage when you fly. This has got to be a serious descent down the customer service food chain.American Airlines is actually going to start charging for pillows and  blankets on their flights. You know, like when you get cold during the flight. What cheap-ass f-ing bastards. It will soon cost $8 for a pillow and blanket on an American Airline flight. Look for the fun beginning May 1st.

How far away are we from airlines charging to use  a seatbelt or use of the oxygen mask during loss of cabin pressure? Is this a cruel joke? Can they make air travel more miserable these days!? Don’t fly American Airlines!

 Can someone explain conservative Pam Geller on the Joy Behar Show?

This is my first outing with Ms. Geller and is she as a loony as she appears to be? Besides entering into a moronic debate with Ron Reagan on whether or not his father, Ronald Reagan, would side with Sarah Palin, watch as she attempts to do schtick over Obama’s use of a teleprompter. Somewhere within the pundit shouting. she tries to riff off a pre-planned joke that the president uses a teleprompter with Michelle. Hilarious!

Watch the video again and listen to Geller’s top-notch comedy writing. Sarah Palin, you certainly have a minion of morons.

 

 “Coulrophobia” is fear of clowns. Clowns scared me as a kid, watching in horror as dozens scampered from a very tiny car, hitting each other in the face with a board. Why the hitting? Why?! Make it stop! Why?!!?

I still find clowns, and children’s party entertainers in general, just plain creepy. Maybe it’s the horror of a lurking stranger behind makeup and a fixed smile, maybe it’s the disturbingly floppy shoes. Why do clowns inspire such awe, and such fear?

Creepy clowns have even been popping up in the media lately; there’s seems to be a whole new trend of creepy clown ads.

From WalMart:

To UPS:

I need to find out  firsthand why people think clowns are so creepy! Immediately! Yes, I shall become a children’s birthday party clown and hit the circuit!

Like a burning bush sent from heaven bearing a comically oversized red nose, I come across this ad in the Bay Guardian:

Earn $100-$200 a weekend entertaining at children’s parties as characters or clowns. Call Josh.

Fumbling for the phone, I call the listed number. “Can I speak to Josh”

“Hold on, he’s got on big floppy shoes and a red nose and just walked in,” spouts a mean-sounding man. Presumably he gives me these details to confirm that I will be talking with an actual clown.

I give Josh a few phony clown credentials, and he grants me a prized interview in San Leandro — a godawful industrial suburb right by Oakland Airport to be a birthday party clown.

Find out what happens when I infiltrate the world of children’s birthday party clowns and go out on the circuit by following the link to Zug.com

 So we’ve all seen the commercials for Hollywood’s latest blockbuster romantic comedy, Valentine’s Day. It stars the likes of Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Ashton Kutcher, and Jennifer Garner; all acting like they can’t get dates for Valentine’s Day.

Intertwining couples and singles in Los Angeles break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine’s Day.

Funny that these characters can’t get dates; they all look like supermodels. Does the idea of the movie Valentine’s Day make you sick?

Watch my new video and decide:

 

 Straight-shooting Sarah Palin is about as contrived and spontaneous as a rocket launch. The crazy lady, who criticized President Obama for using teleprompters, had cheat sheets on the palm of her left hand during her speech at this weekend’s National Tea Party Conventionthat read “Energy,” “Tax,” “Lift American Spirits,” and “Budget Cuts.” The word “Budget” was crossed out.

During the Q & A portion of her appearance, Palin referred to the scribbling on her palm when asked her thoughts on what top three priorities of the Republican Party should be if it wants to recapture a Congress majority.

Has Sarah Palin always been writing crib notes on her palm this whole time? I can only imagine what has been scribed on her palm in the past: “Hockey Mom,” “Putin Airspace,” “See Russia Front Yard,” etc…..

I sure she feels that the posting of her palm crib notes across the Internet is yet another hatchet job against little Sarah from Wasilla. The good news for Democrats: she’s not ruling out running for president in 2012!

 A while back I filmed a short documentary about cockfighting in Louisiana that took place in the town of St. Martinsville.

Need I say, I took a strong stance against cockfighting.

Sure, what’s there not to hate about two roosters that are bred to fight it out to the death in a ring (cockpit) while men wager on who will be the winner?

The really astonishing thing; when I posted the video on You Tube I got a slew of comments from people who were actually pro-cockfighting. In their idyllic world there would actually be more cockfighting. Quicker than you can say reinstate-Michael-Vick-in-the-NFL, it was pointed out that I was actually the ignorant one.

Here’s a taste of what these proud Americans had to say about my anti-cockfighting video. Some responses are just plain confusing:

glenroy1993

0  

nice thing fightin

MrFrank6767

0  

Guess the HUSU should show up like they did in Tenneesee at a rooster fight and GAS everyone one of the harmless chickens. Gass barrels used to kill them all while they struggle and fight for there life. Rather see them do what comes natural to them and fight to the dealth naturally than PETA and HUSU get involved and kill/torture to dealth everyone with poison gas chambers/barrels. What a sad joke the public is conned into.

claybones1

+2  

Fucked up? Harmon you know nothing about cockfighting, what are you a tree humper? a vegitarian? suck a fat one you queer!

russian1326

0  

The Gamecock is a true warrior meant for battle. So all you dog or cat loving french kissing freaks are the ones that need to be checked. Come on think about it, we fight gamecocks because that is exactly what they were put on this earth for. I really don’t think God meant for Humans to french kiss their animals after they’ve licked their asses and genitals clean, but you do it anyways. Now who’s the one that needs help?

612colby

0  

Cock fighting still legal in kentucky, catch a good fight this saturday!

bitemenow609

+1  

I continue to be amazed at how some ill imformed people think they have a right to restrict peoples use of their animals. The gamecocks intended use for thousands of years is to fight. If you do not agree with it, mind your own buisness. The best people I have ever met were cockfighters.

MrGallononon

+1  

long live the gamecock!

TheShitwad

+1  

i love this guy

OEGBANTAMS

+2  

this video is so true
these roosters live longer than a chicken you get from kfc or popeyes

ice163

0  

this film represents american ignorance towards cockfighting

ArkonDrakk

0  

Cockfight trainer? Funny I didn’t know you could train an all with such a small brain to do anything, much less fight.

djdeucelove

+2  

if u dont like it why did u go ..and to eat a chicken that only lives less than 6weeks but talk shit bout cockfighting ur a fuckn hipacrit..

Spaz8000

0  

he experiences what he wants to write about. it is called investigative journalism.

lupio013

+2  

hell yea cockfighting rules

 

 “We’re so bad, we know we’re good. Blowing your mind like we knew we would!”