February 2009
Freedom Haters Salutes: Hot Chicks With Guns & Men On Crutches!!!!!!
Sexy Hot Chicks Firing Gunsare those who are members of the female persuasion who are often clad in bikinis and like to fire guns and assault weapons. In turn, they are upholding their 2nd Amendment right to bear arms and wear bikinis.
Men on Crutches are those who are members of the male persuasion who are have often hurt their leg or foot in an accident or due to surgery. In turn, they are upholding their waling ability to maneuver with somewhat mobility.
Together they are both part of Freedom Haters pictorial salute to.......HOT CHICKS WITH GUNS & MEN ON CRUTCHES!!!!!!
Fucked Up Things About Scotland!
Scotland is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. Occupying the northern third of the island of Great Britain, it shares a border with England to the south and is bounded by the North Sea to the east. Scotland is also kinda of fuckked up. As reported in Coed Magazine, Freedom Hates just spent a week in Scotland and here are a few of the f*cked up things we encountered:
The Slanket Gets "Zany"
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Hey look! The Slanket got zany! With the success of the entire Snuggie craze, and off shoot You Tube such as "The Cult of Snuggie," (and of course Freedom Haters very own, Snuggie Photo du Jour), the Slanket corporation has changed their entire marketing campaign. Look, one o fhe guys in the photo is wearing a blond wig. Another is playing with a top. The guy in back has a fake afro. They are ALL zany! They are all wearing a Slanket! Slanket is trying to marked to the whole "ironic" crowd.
That's a far cry from the very UN-zany, dignified marketing approach Slanket took in everyone's favorite publication/cavalcade of shit, Sky Mall:
Mo'Nique Fr'Day Fi'Nally!
Ye'S, It'S th'E we'Ekly jo'Ke th'At Ne'Ver ge'Ts ol'D! Mo'Nique FrIday! En'Joy!
Snuggie Photo du Jour
EACH DAY FREEDOM HATERS BRINGS YOU A NEW PHOTO OF LIFE INSIDE A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES
TODAY: Peering Through Some Type of Optical Device At Sea Shore While Wearing Snuggie!
Note how our Snuggie model looks off the coast of England with the ease of a warm person who has their hands free. What is she looking at? Could it be people wrapped in blankets who are unhappy with their lives? Could it be those who have gotten free reading lights when purchasing a Snuggie? Perhaps she's looking at man's own mortality? Hmm, I wonder?
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Pocket Pussy Carton Found on the Side of the Road in Ute Nevada!
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Little do speeding motorists know there are rare treasures to be had at the Ute Nevada Exit off of I-15 in between Las Vegas and the Arizona border. To the naked eye, it looks merely like an exit leading to absolutely nowhere; darting off into the desert horizon. A word to the wise: take some time to pull off the road and explore. With a broad smile on your face and a zippity-do-da song in your heart, you’ll soon discover one man’s discarded garbage is another man’s rare treasure.
Much like the dinosaur bones found at the La Brea Tar Pits, these artifacts give clues to past civilizations and their habits:
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Snuggie Photo du Jour
EVERYDAY FREEDOM HATERS FEATURES A PHOTO OF LIFE INSIDE A SLEEVELESS BLANKET
TODAY: Exiting an old-style UK phonebox while clad in a Snuggie.
Imagine exiting on old-style UK phonebox while wearing the Slanket. It would cost you twice as much to do so. And it would include a free reading light either!
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The Worst Hotel in the United States
Yes, the worst hotel in the US, so says Trip Advisor!
Now, I've stayed in my share of shitty hotels and B&Bs.
I actually went ahead and booked a hotel room in Elizabeth, Neew Jersey through Trip Advisor that everyone said was one of the worst places they stayed. So, when I got there, I was pleasently suprised.
But after seeing some of the pictures posted on the site (take a gander on the left there for a typical bathroom", I gotta agree...
The best pictures of all, though, were the ones that people took of their various bites and rashes after sleeping there for the night.
Don't believe me?
See for yourself
Freedom Haters Mardi Gras Salute Continues: Cockfighting in St. Martinsville
More Mardi Gras antics from my book National Lampoon's Road Trip USA:
Excitement’s in the air as people of all ages—young and old—gather around the fenced individual pens where large, multi-colored roosters with long sharp claws, manically pace with frantic head gestures, occasionally letting out a crack-of-dawn cock-a-doodle-do cackle. Under the hot Louisiana sun, hardened men holding beer cans closely inspect the birds.
Snuggie Photo du Jour
EACH DAY FREEDOM HATERS POSTS A NEW PHOTO OF LIFE INSIDE A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES
TODAY: Using hand-dryer while clad in Snuggie.
I don't even want to think of the number of disasters that could take place if a blanket where part of this formula.
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Top Wall Street Bartending School Cocktails
With the market down, there’s been an increase in enrollment at New York Bartending Schools; NYBS has had an 18 percent jump. Laid off bankers are finding it difficult to bounce back with jobs at other firms, thus they are now seeking alternative employment in the bar industry and learning the ins-and-outs of mixing drinks.
So, what kind of drinks are former Wall Street employees mixing these days? Here’re a few of the most popular---surprisingly named after notorious out-of-control Stock Traders:
Famous Doctors Who Didn't Get Medical Degrees!
Some have to go to med school to become a doctor. Others have to obtain a PHD. But for these doctors, no education was needed for their title. Freedom Haters would like to salute famous doctors who didn't need to get a medical degree!
Snuggie Photo du JOur
EACH DAY FREEDOM HATERS BRINGS YOU A NEW PHOTO OF LIFE INSIDE A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES
TODAY: Wearing traffic cone while also wearing a Snuggie!
A normal blanket just wouldn't work in this situation, while other similar products would cost twice as much. Remember: you get a free reading light to help you find traffic cones in the dark.
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Mardi Gras Week: Pig Slaughter as a Spectator Sport in St. Martinsville Louisiana!
TOWN MOTTO: “Where Cajun Began”
MY MOTTO FOR TOWN: “We Cut The Throat Of A Pig In Front Of A Crowd Of Children And Old People!”
POPULATION: 6,989
WEIRD LOCAL SMELLS: Segregation and Animal Cruelty.
ST MARTINVILLE FUN FACT: Willie Nelson has been arrested twice in St. Martinville!
WAYS TO GET YOUR ASS-KICKED: Approach a large Louisiana man and shout, “The Confederate flag is racist, you big, stupid swamp-hillbilly!”
CULTURAL HIGHLIGHT: Cockfighting, Confederate flag-waving, sticking to your own race.
LEVEL OF CREEPINESS: 10, if you’re a rooster, or pig whose throat is about to be slit in front of a crowd of children and old people.
More Mardi Gras adventures from my National Lampoon book. St. Martinville in Southwestern Louisiana is an ideal road trip destination for their annual Les Grande Bouchere Des Cajuns. Known as the birthplace of Cajun culture, St. Martinville is Louisiana’s third oldest city, which boasts both gothic, Southern charm and a racially segregated population, not to mention family-friendly cockfighting (that phrase rolls right off the tongue).
Snuggie Photo du Jour
EACH DAY FREEDOM HATERS SALUTES EVERYDAY LIFE WHILE WEARING A SNUGGIE
TODAY: Attending a sporting event on your own while wearing a Snuggie!
Wearing a Snuggie and attending a sporting event is as nature as sporting a Hawaiian shirt at your office on Hawaiian Shirt Friday. Who cares if no one wants to attend the sporting event with you, be it a cricket test match or jai alai (the fastest sport in the world!), the point is you are there, alone, wearing your Snuggie and you are going to cheer like crazy for the home team. More importantly, your hands are non-trapped inside!
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Freedom Haters Mardi Gras Week: Fun Comes Before Death in Eunice!
Because it's Mardi Gras week, Freedom Haters would like to salute some Louisiana Mardi Gras hotspots we visited in our book National Lampoon's Roadtrip USA.
TODAY: Eunice Louisina
POPULATION: 11,499
TOWN MOTTO: “The Prairie Cajun Capital of Louisiana!”
MY MOTTO FOR TOWN: “Falling off of A Mardi Gras Float Resulting in Death Capital of Louisiana!”
FUN FACT: In May 2000, a chemical freight train derailed in Eunice, spilling numerous hazardous chemicals and causing about 15 tank cars to explode and burn; approximately 3,500 residents of the town were evacuated for five days. Whoops!.
EUNICE IS AN IDYLLIC LOCALE FOR: Corrupt cops, people who like screaming the N-word in public, those who have the desire to play the washboard as a musical instrument.
Great Moments in Comedy History: This Week We Salute Dr. Jonas Salk!
Dr. Jonas Salk was the man responsible for the polio vaccination. But did you know he is one of the great pranksters in both comedy and medical history?
1955-The National Foundation of Infantile Paralysis
Snuggie Photo du Jour
EACH DAY FREEDOM HATERS PRESENTS A NEW PHOTO OF EVERYDAY LIFE INSIDE A SNUGGIE!
TODAY: Riding Motorbike While Wearing A Snuggie
Normal blankets wouldn't allow you to ride a motorbike on the streets of the U.K. (Your hands would slip and slide.) The Snuggie brand blanket with sleeves makes you an easy rider or leader of your own motorbike cult.
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A Freedom Haters' hats off to Snuggie photographer Jemma McDonnell!
Ask Doctor Nachos
Don't let anything stop you from achieving your dreams, especially when there's something wrong with your plate of nachos. Doctor Nachos can help. He's a doctor, and his last name is Nachos.
Dear Doctor Nachos,
I am a 14-year-old college student achieving my dreams. However, my plate of nachos has too much sour cream on it. Help, Doctor!
Signed,
14-Year-Old College Student
Dear Stu,
Like the popular song goes, "Don't ruin your dreams, With too much sour creams." Simply scoop unwelcome sour cream with an available dry tortilla chip, and either throw it away or eat it.
