October 2009
This Week's Freedom Hater Winners and Losers
Each week has winners and losers. This week is no exception. Why? Because there are both winners, and of course, losers. Well, let's get on with it.......who were this week's showbiz winners (and of course losers).
WINNER: MICHAEL JACKSON
The deceased gloved-one has made a hell of a comeback in death. The opening night of his new doc, This Is It, set a box office record grossing $2.2 million. Liz Taylor Tweeted, "It is the single most brilliant piece of filmmaking I have ever seen." That's quite a compliment being this old, heavily medicated lady has seen a hell of a lot of films. Question: why didn't Michael think of this kind of career move years ago before all that creepy little boy stuff?
LOSERS: THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY
And this is coming from a man who once wrote for The Facts of Life and the Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo Puppy Hour.
LOSER: G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA
The president of the National Association of Theatre Owners said members are "ballistic" that this movie based on a toy is to DVD a mere 88 days after it's cinematic release. (Yes, he actually used the word, "ballistic.") Why the fuss? Surely vapid non-stop computer imagery where something blows up every five minutes plays much, much better on the small screen.
Sorry dude. It's not good form to show up at the office of E! Entertainment brandishing a knife, and then asking if you can see one Mr. Ryan Seacrest. Eyebrows will be raised. LAPD will be called. I know you intended to do a service to humanity but your approach was all wrong
Pee-Wee's coming back! Pee Wee's coming back! Yes, Paul Reubens is once again performing his beloved character Pee-Wee Herman, as part of an elaborate stage show, for the first time in 19 years. Maybe Obama made nerds cool again?
LOSERS: WE THE AMERICAN FILM VIEWING PUBLIC
This week it was announced plans for not only Spiderman 4, but also Beverly Hills Cop 4, Independence Day 2, and X-Men 4, In the further dumbing down of America, the screenwriter of Saving Private Ryan is in
Alex Jones And The Most Idiotic Swine Flu Vaccine Conspiracy Theories
The H1N1 virus (more affectionately known as the loveable swine flu) is an influenza normally found in pigs that has mutated and has become infectious in humans. So naturally a vaccine would be a good thing to prevent such things as, say, death. A single does of the vaccine is enough to immunize adults and children over 10.
Sound good?
Not if you surf around the InterWeb. Swine flu vaccine conspiracy theories fly across the Internet farther than Northwest Airline flights manned by sleeping pilots. So what are the most idiotic conspiracy theories found? Here’re are a few of our favs:
Bookies Odds On John Travolta Leaving Scientology
Okay, Paul Haggis has hit the Scientology road.
The Crash director claimed that the cult is anti-gay because of their public sponsorship of Proposition 8. Yes, for Haggis his 35-year Planet Xenu honeymoon is over. And this is coming from a man who once wrote for The Facts of Life and the Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo Puppy Hour.
So who's next to leave the cult of Scientology? Bookies are putting their money on John Travolta. According to the Irish bookmakers atPaddy Powers here are the odds on celebrities detaching their thetans from the cult:
9/4 John Travolta_
3/1 Katie Holmes_
4/1 Lisa Marie Presley
6/1 Jason Lee
8/1 Priscilla Presley
10/1 Chaka Khan
12/1 Nancy Cartwright
14/1 Brandy
18/1 Beck
25/1 Kirstie Alley
50/1 Tom Cruise
It always picks my brain on why Beck is a Scientologist. Who do you think will be the next Scientologist of the elite Sea Org level to go running? Let us know your thoughts. No, really.
NACHO THURSDAYS - Northern Ireland Refried Beans
We didn't think it was possible.
But it was.
We - the Texans - manufactured refried beans in Northern Ireland using nothing more than the beans provided to us at shops.
Was it easy?
Well, yeah, not bad.
We followed the recipie over at Homesick Texan.
Let's face it, it's pretty hard to f**k up pinto beans.
You can see our results above there.
So - all Americans and Southerners stuck in places without refried beans? You can make your own.
Did we put these beans on nachos?
You bet your f**kin ass.
I Get A Job At A Haunted House
It's Halloween. BOO!
Sorry to scare you like that, but it's for good reason. I'm going to get a job as an actor portraying a monster in a haunted house. As with all my infiltration assignments, my mission is to report on what my experience is like -- but this time, I will also test the various levels of "scary" on my unwitting customers.
My journey begins when I come across an ad on Craigslist, trumpeting the need for haunted house workers in Marin, GA. My future in the haunted house industry looks very promising. WOOOOOOOOOO!
The head of the haunted house tells me over the phone that they'll be hiring people right there, on the spot. Thus, a little preparation for my haunted house interview:
PREPARATION:
- 1 Black Cape
- 1 Pair of Fangs
- 1 Scary Attitude
- 1 Pseudonym (Franklin Stein)
How can they deny hiring a guy adorned in fangs and a cape, with haunted house vocational aspirations?! With costume in place, I head towards the Marin shopping mall, the sight of Scary University (name changed to protect the scary innocent). WOOOOOOOOOO!
My fangs are too big for my mouth; they take up the entire circumference, sadly sticking half in, half out. It makes anything I say sound like intense mumbling.
A huge white tent is in the middle of the mall parking lot, as a group of people hammer various scary items into place. I approach, raising my cape in the air, Dracula-style.
"I'm here for the haunted house interview!" (They hear, "Rmmm rmm rmm rmm.")
"What?" says a large man with his belly hanging out the bottom of his shirt (I assume he is the leader).
"The haunted house interview!" ("Rmm rmm rmm!")
"You must be here for the haunted house interview," concludes the large man (he is the leader). "OK, you can take those fangs out now!" he adds without a smile.
"OK." ("Rmmmm.")
Find out the rest of my haunted house infiltration, which includes my own patented method of being "scary," by following the jump to Zug.com
Balloon Boy Dad Action Figure Guarantees 15 Minutes Of Fun
How fast do they knock this crap out? Balloon Boy dad, Richard Heene, already has his very own action figure. A company called Herobuilders.com has churned out a pint-sized version of America’s most hated dad with a $34.95 price tag attached. Yes, 15 minutes of fun to be had with this action figure.
Speaking of Heene hoaxes, here’s the new video of one of the Heene brood as an infant posing with a cigar and beer. The really weird part is most likely Richard Heene was the one who sold the video to TMZ.
Levi Johnston/Sarah Palin Smackdown Continues
Baby daddy Levi Johnston said on CBS Morning Edition that he has secrets about Sarah Palin that would be damning to her.
Oh do tell! What are these secrets? He leaked that Palin liked to referred to Trig as “the little retarded baby.”
But what else does Levi know that could really hurt the author of Going Rouge? What further dirt does he have on the Palins? (Good timing to disclose this being he has "tasteful" nude photos of himself coming out in Playgirl.)
Here’re a few Freedom Hater hypothesis:
-Sarah and Todd were plotting to launch baby Trig into a silver weather balloon in order to improve her approval rating after she quit her job as Alaska governor in order to gain people’s sympathy.
-Sarah Palin claimed that not only could she wave to Russia from her front yard, but also Denmark, Tibet and Rhode Island.
-Sara Palin likes to dress up as a furry and have sex in animal costumes. In their bedroom Todd role plays trying to hunt her from a helicopter
-The Palins would storm out of a room if anyone ever mentioned the Planet Zenu.
-”Hello Mrs. Robinson, I mean Mrs. Palin!”
Sarah Palin, who usually attacks the media for attention, released a statement that Johnston will do anything for attention–including selling his body for money!!!!!
Take a look at the second half of the Levi Johnston interview. Who the hell is this guy’s manager? He says there are things he turned down for money--it pretty darn looks like he will do anything for money. Can we, as Americans, be more enamored by inarticulate people who pretty much have nothing to say?
Freedom Hater Music Video!
Hey Freedom Haters!
We were recently sent a fan video from Freedom Hater Atomburke!
Check it out - it's got ex-President Bush (hooray!), Obama, crazy clamation action and old timey photos of nekkid people.
Do you have a video for Freedom Haters?
Send it our way!
Konrad - "Girls Gone Wild" Uncensored version from atomburke on Vimeo.
Scientology Spokesman Tommy Davis Freaks Out On ABC's Nightline
When interviewing Tommy Davis, spokesman for the cult of Scientology, what ever you do, never, never, never mention the Planet Xenu.
Just never EVER mention the Planet Xenu. While we're at, never mention volcanos are alien parasites. If you do, then Scientology spokesman Tommy Davis will freak out on ABC's Nightline and storm off the set. Did we mention not to mention the Planet Xenu?
Maybe Tommy's body was saddled with too many thetans? Or maybe he's not a very good spokesman being one of the duties would be to present a good image for the cult? Even Richard Henne didn't crack when his very own son, Falcon, exposed their hoax on CNN.
Other highlights of the interview include Tommy's explanation of the E-Meter and how its workings don't have to be proven by "science" because his cult members prove its effectiveness each day. Also Scientologists don't need to explain the health safety behind their 5 hour sauna program because its simply a part of their religious ceremony and shouldn't be questioned.
Bottom line: Don't tell anyone about the Planet Xenu unless they forked over the cash and paid for it!
Why Did McDonald’s Close In Iceland?
So you might have read that McDonald’s is pulling out of the country of Iceland.
That’s right, the symbol of American globalization will no longer be on Icelandic shores. The three McDonald’s restaurants – all in the capital Reykjavik – will close next weekend.
The real reason for the closure might have been the adapted Icelandic McDonald’s menu. Did they really think they were going to sell that many Big McThorramatur or Hakarl McNuggets washed down with a Nymmjolk shake. Perhaps the company mascot of Bjork McDonald just didn’t resonate with Icelandic citizens.
Spend Your Halloween In A Christian Hell House
Halloween is a time of fun and mischief. But it also can be a time of reflecting on why you don't want to spend eternity in hell! Yes, Hell Houses are the fundamental Christians' version of a Halloween haunted house---except they try and scare you out of eternal damnation because of all your sins. Sounds fun.
Created by funster Jerry Falwell in the late 1970's, here's Religious Tolerance describes the Halloween hijinks:
"A Hell House consists of a group of horrific scenes within a type of haunted house. The customer walks through a sequence of tableaus designed to create terror and revulsion. The last scene is different; it is typically a portrayal of heaven. The visitors are then asked to accept salvation by repenting of their sins and trusting Jesus as Lord and Savior."
Trick-or-treat indeed! All I want from my Halloween is a Baby Ruth bar and to make out with a girl dressed as Princess Leia--such is not the case with Hell House. Instead they create such theatrical scenes depicting the horrors of a homosexual wedding (that later results in AIDS). Or the fun of a teenage drug-induced rave, which course, ends in rape. Yes, gays, unwed mothers, suicide bomber, pot heads, and other "sinners," all haunt the halls of Hell House.
Here's a little video taste of Hell House. Strap in your ironic detachment and have a good laugh:
Wow! Hell House rocks! (Except for the non-ironic Christian Gospel Hoedown at the end which looks like the worst party in the world.) How many of these sins will YOU commit this Halloween? I'm getting my list together.
Too bad eternal damnation is ours. Happy Halloween!
Para-Sailin' with Sarah Palin
Despite leftist harrassment from my colleagues, I've decided to remain on board as this website's sole voice of the (dumb-ass conservative - Ed) people. May the socialists Harmon Leon, El Flojo, and the others be damned.
Unlike myself, Sarah Palin has recently decided to cater to the bleeding-heart Demos and their twisted obsession with sick people. Last Sunday, she risked life and limb at the "Parasailing for a Cure" event held off the shore of Key West, Florida.
I had the amazing opportunity to interview this woman whom many consider "the greatest vice-presidential 'almost-was' since J. Danforth Quayle" just a few minutes before she was soaring above the Atlantic.
John Stamos Drunk on TV
Good stuff.
John Stamos was drunk on some Australian morning show.
The funny thing is that he admits it up front. But the powers that be over at Warner Brothers didn't want him saying that.
They gave the whole "jet lagged and sleeping pills" thing.
In this age of politcal correctness and pomposity, it's nice when someone has the balls to come out and just say, "yeah, i was drunk".
It's not like he was driving a car around or anything.
Freedom Haters salutes you, John Stamos!!
David Spade Sort Of Reunites With Deceased Chris Farley
Oh good god! David Spade has reprised his role from the Saturday afternoon movie rerun classic, Tommy Boy, for a Direct TV commercial. It gets better.
He's playing opposite his deceased comedy partner, Chris Farley. How spooky weird to be playing opposite your best friend who died of a drug overdose just to rake in a little bit of cash.
Is this supposed to be a homage to Farley? A spoof? Is this where David Spade's career is now at!?
"I'm stuck with either cable or that," Spade says in the ad, pointing to the dead image of his friend. Why couldn't Spade chosen one of his other comedy blockbusters to spoof, such as Joe Dirt, or........Joe Dirt?
Simple formula Comedy= Time + Distance
Nail In Balloon Boy Saga
As a nail in the Balloon Boy coffin, the NYT had an astute op piece about the Henne family, comparing them to the desperate who would do 24/7 dance marathons during the Great Depression in a display of freak-show human degradation that flashed a glimmer of fame:
“There’s also some poignancy in his determination to grab what he and many others see as among the last accessible scraps of the American dream. As a freelance construction worker and handyman, he couldn’t find much employment in an economy where construction is frozen and homeowners are more worried about losing their homes than fixing them.”
Yes, these are the times when the desperate look towards Jon & Kate Plus 8 as role models. Levi Johnston are you ready for your close up?
Welcome Celebrities To The D-List
How can determine if a celebrity is truly on the D-List?
Well, I think if you can hire them to come to your birthday party then that's a sure sign. Yes, there's an agency called Living Legends that represents the D-List for appearances at private parties, conventions, county fairs, malls, and for some reason, personal phone calls.
As the web site says, "These are the real thing not look-a-likes."
You can choose select favorites from American Graffiti, Babylon 5, Batman, Leave It to Beaver, Lost in Space, My Three Sons,
Poseidon Adventure and many more! Just go down there list and pick the celebrity you want to hire--it's just that easy.
Okay, if I were an eccentric millionaire I'd hire Joyce DeWitt to come over to my house and play X-box. Or Donny Most to do my laundry. Imagine the fun of having MASH's Jamie Farr running errands for you!
Click here for Living Legends complete stable of the D-list.
Something Smells of Icke
Leapin' Lizards!
Welcome to part two of Freedom Haters' expose of David "All Our World's Leaders Are Reptiles" Icke.
Davie's kooky lizard fantasies have caught on over the years.
Do some internet searches for "Reptilian" or "Annunaki" and reap the rewards of contagious credulousness!
On YouTube, you'll find videos of news broadcasts in which the picture (particularly around the face) becomes fragmented/weird-looking. Uploaders explain that these videos contain irrefutable evidence of LIZARDLINESS! We are told that these broadcasters are shape-shifters. Often in these videos, we can see the same sort of errors in pixelation occurring on the clothing of the assumed lizard-monster, and on background objects. Whether or not these items are also lizard-monsters is still up for debate.
What Wacky T-shirt Would Jesus Wear?
Who says Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor?
Yes, Freedom Haters asked for it and Freedom Haters got it: more wacky Christian T-shirts. Earlier this week Jesus did a little parody of our favorite social network sites, now Jesus has done a little culture jamming and stuck to the corporations and "The Man" by riffing on their logos. Way to go edgy, Jesus!
I don't think jokes are needed for these, but if you have one Freedom Haters would love to hear it.
Enjoy!
Wacky
Kinda Wacky
Slightly Wacky
Highly Wacky
Extremely Wacky
Bodyslamming for Jesus: Inside the Christian Wrestling Federation
"LET'S MAKE SOME NOISE!" shouts Dr. Shock as the crowd goes wild. "This is going to be the Ultimate Rumble. The only way to get disqualified is going over the ropes, or like me, being thrown over onto the hard concrete floor!"
In Winterville Georgia, packed into the Harvest Church gym, hundreds of rabid Christian wrestling fans sit ringside on folding chairs.
They go apeshit, with blood-thirsty anticipation waiting for the heel and the face to bodyslam for Jesus and save their souls.
Follow the jump for the full scoop on the Christian Wrestling Federation:
Freedom Haters on Rational Radio Tomorrow (10/24)
Freedom Haters will be on one of their favorite talk radio radio shows tomorrow (10/24 @ 11:06 PST
Tune into the Jack E. Jett show on Rational Radio out of Dallas. I'll be chatting about my experience going undercover into the world of Furries.
You can tune in via the Interweb at rationalradio.org.
