December 2009
Nacho Thursdays - Nacho Resolutions for 2010
This year we resolve, nacho-wise:
...to refer to time spent eating nachos with the guys as "nach-bros time."
...to photograph every plate of restaurant nachos with my iPhone, then post it on TwitPic, Tumblr, and Facebook.
...to finish our screenplay for "N.A.C.H.O. Justice."
Goodbye 2009! Happy 2010! Does our ((&(£@£ Twitter Work Yet?!!
Thanks for being a part of freedomhaters, everyone!!!
Don't forget we're on Twitter, too.
This blog entry is a cleverly disguised attempt to figure out just what the h*(* is wrong with our twitter posting.
Twitter - it's stupid, but at the same time, free.
Why the hell not?
UPDATE: It works!! Hooray!!!
The Crotch Bomber
Yes.
The Crotch Bomber.
It sure didn't take long for someone to setup a website and domain, either.
Now, Alex Jones and the rest of the conspiratards are going nuts about a "Sharp Dressed Man" that helped Crotchie get onto the plane.
Ok. So let's assume that this man WAS in fact helped by a well dressed man. Hmmm....so does that mean a conspiracy?
YES, YOU F**KING IDIOTS!! A conspiracy JUST LIKE on 9/11 when AL QUEDA PLOTTED to fly PLANES INTO BUILDINGS.
Remember the buildings that were hit BY PLANES GOING 500 MILES AN HOUR. DO YOU THINK THAT MIGHT HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE BUILDINGS COLLAPSING?!!!!!
Video: What Tiger Woods Can Teach Us about Health Care
Hey Freedom Haters, here's a new video from Lee Camp.
Take a little moment of clarity and learn what Tiger Woods can teach us about our nation's health care plan.
New Twist On Nigerian Email Scam: You Will Be Arrested By The FBI If You Don’t Respond!
Everyone is familiar with the old Nigerian email scam, right?
It usually involves a rich Nigerian prince who needs your help (you!) in order to get millions of dollars out of his country via your bank account–all you have to do is pay the transfer fee. Surprisingly, the money never makes it into your account and you get milked out of cash with the false promise of becoming an easy millionaire.
Now there’s a whole new twist of the Nigerian email scam; it involves the FBI and the war on terror. Scamsters are sending out emails claiming to be from the FBI (from the email address: FBI@WASHINGTONDC.GOV). In broken English, it basically states that if you don’t comply to falling for their fraud scam within 24 hours, you will be tracked down and arrested as part of an anti-terrorism campaign. (Shades of the Patriot Act!)
Contact the EFCC via Email with the information above immediately,once you contact them i will get back to you or else i will have an agent come visit you at home for questioning.
Furthermore:
WARNING: failure to provide the above requirement in the next 24 hours, legal action will be taken immediately by arresting and detaining you as soon as international court of justice issues a warrant of arrest, if you are found guilty, you will be jailed…….
Follow the link for the entire email in all its glory……….
Pope Attack On America's Funniest Home Videos: Is It In Bad Taste?
In this age of You Tube if the Pope gets attacked by a crazy woman during Midnight Mass, the video immediately becomes a viral web sensation--it garnishes as many web hits as someone getting hit really hard in the nuts.
You Tube video comments on the attack video read as if people are watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. Therefore, would it be in bad taste to have the Pope Benedict XVI being knocked down by a crazy lady video on America’s Funniest Home Videos being it has the same sick sensationalism as watching someone falling off a trampoline?
Spoiler Alert: Closing Line of Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes Makes You Feel Soiled
Okay, so Freedom Haters did some holiday indulging and went and saw Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes.
Basically, it’s like Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels–but with Sherlock Holmes and a hell of a lot more CGI effects. Still, you got the same snappy dialogue and fight scenes reverting to slow motion.
Freedom Haters doesn't mind seeing the big holiday blockbuster movie extravaganzas. (Who doesn’t like some dumb, mindless fun?) But what made me feel soiled was the closing line of Sherlock Holmes where Robert Downey Jr. utters, “Looks like this case is re-opened!”
That’s right, this movie was just one big set up for the Sherlock Holmes sequel (franchise). I ended up shrugging my shoulders and leaving the cinema with a “you duped me again Hollywood,” look on my face.
The only way this could’ve been less subtle is if Robert Downey Jr. delivered the line directly to the camera and then winked ala Sarah Palin-style.
Nacho Thursdays: Top 3 Least Popular Taco Bell Nachos of the '00s, Brought to You By Del Taco
When Americans look back at the decade called the "Aughts," they will ask: "Why 'Aughts?' Didn't we spend the past ten years calling them 'The Ohs,' as in 'oh-four?'" Then Americans will think about Christmas because it's that time of the year. Most of all, they will never forget the tragedies of the past ten years: special promotional nachos from Taco Bell.
We count down the three worst Taco Bell nachos disasters of the '00s. Brought to you by Del Taco.
Here’s Reality: Balloon Boy Dad Sentenced To Jail
"Go hide in the attic, Falcon! Go hide in the attic!”
I bet Richard Heene is regretting those words now. The infamous balloon boy dad (best suited for douche bag of the year) along with his charming wife Mayumi were sentenced today (90 days for him, 20 days for her). No jail time was given to little Falcon.
The would-be reality TV stars Heenes’ should be estatic. Their 15-minutes of fame has been extended by a combined 110 days.
Watch Richard Heene’s great acting job on the stand. I almost believe that he really feels bad about all that happened:
Little word of advice to Richard: next time you pretend your son is trapped in a runaway balloon don’t start Twittering about it.
Michael Jackson’s FBI File Revealed: It’s Creepy!
On Tuesday the FBI released their file on Michael Jackson. I guess enough time/distance has gone by since Jacko’s death where the moment is right to pull out his dirty laundry. The 333 page published on the FBI’s website mostly focus on the various child molestation allegation against the gloved one, stemming from 1992-2005.
The FBI case files were made public following Freedom of Information Act requests filed after the pop star’s June 25 death. According to CNN, such TMX-style tidbits include a Canadian social worker:
The woman said she was on a cross-country train trip when she “heard questionable noises through a wall.” Michael Jackson was in an adjoining compartment in the train, she told investigators.
Take a gander of the doc and let us know what you think of Michael Jackson and his questionable noises:
Cop Wins Snowball Fight By Pulling Gun
When having a snowball fight, always remember that gun beats snowball. At least that’s how a Washington off-duty officer won the battle when his Hummer was pelted with a snowballs. The officer got out of his car and started waving his gun around. The astute quote from the officer: “I did it because I got hit with snowballs.”
Hurrah for the wonders of You Tube, allowing any citizen with a cell phone camera to capture this moment of pure stupidity that could’ve ended with someone making snow angels getting a bullet in the head:
What Level Of Hell Is Reserved For Those Who Stole The Auschwitz Sign?
Friday, the infamous ”Arbeit Macht Frei’‘ sign that hovered over the gates of the former Nazi death camp of Auschwitz was stolen. After a three day intensive search police recovered the sign, cut into pieces, in Krakow Poland.
Five Polish men were apprehended over the crime but it’s wont disclose their reason for the theft? Were they Neo-Nazis or were they anti-Nazis like in the Tarantino flick, Inglourious Basterds?
Regardless, desecrating a memorial where millions of Jews were murdered pretty much assures a reserved first-class seat in Hell alongside the likes of the D.C. Sniper, and execs at Goldman Sachs.
No More Christian Side Hugs For Married Jonas Brother
Kevin Jonas got married this weekend in a wedding that took place in the fairy tale land of Long Island.
As the eldest member of the family-friendly, The Jonas Brothers, the group has often stated their strong Christian stance as well as their virginity pledge before marriage.
But Kevin’s purity ring has now come off. And you know what that means for his new bride, Danielle Deleasa? NO MORE CHRISTIAN SIDE HUGS!!!!!
Part 2: Porn Sunday, The XXX Church, and You!
(This is Part Two of my crazy escapade into the XXX Church)
Porn Sunday extends into the evening with a special movie presentation of Missionary Positions, and prayer session held in the church's gym. I've taken it upon myself to attend undercover in order to fit in with the demographic they are trying to reach, and perhaps be a role model to others:
PSEUDONYM: Dirk Saddler (slightly porn star sounding name)
OUTFIT: Slacks that fit too tight. Pimp shoes.
BACKSTORY: Former porn addict who lost it all, everything, but has redeemed himself by now becoming addicted to Jesus Christ.
APPROACH: In order to pose as a former porn addict, I must think like one.
I've also enlisted the services of a busty stripper friend of mine to pose as Sapphire, Dirk Straddler's beautiful new Christian wife. Dressed in a very tight, almost see-through belly shirt that leaves very little too the imagination, Sapphire will be the true test for the men at Porn Sunday.
Christian Scientists Want ‘Prayer’ To Be Covered In Healthcare Bill
Christian Scientists are protesting against Obama’s health care plan.
Unlike the Tea Party Patriots, they don’t see the plan as socialist. They want their form of medical treatment to be included in the bill: prayer.Christian Scientists are lobbying lawmakers to include their alternative to medical care–which is spiritual healing and prayer–to be covered by private insurers. Prayer practitioners can charge up to $50 per prayer session and the religious sect wants these type of charges to be acknowledged in the health care plan.
“It’s our intention that the health care bill recognizes the fact that medical care is not the only form of health care,” said Eric Nelson, spokesman for the Christian Science church in Northern California and also a practitioner. Christian Science’s alternative medical practices have always been tainted with controversy.
Astute example which occurred in Oregon City involving spiritual healing:
"As the 15-month-old girl struggled to breathe, church members anointed her with oil and pleaded with God to provide a cure. But Ava died March 2, 2008, of bronchial pneumonia and a blood infection. Antibiotics could have saved her life, the state medical examiner’s office said."
In another tragic case, Christian Science parents used prayer, instead of medical professionals, to try to heal their 2-year-old son of a painful bowel obstruction.
Besides dismissing the idea as “ridiculous,” opponents of prayer coverage warn that this type of legislation also violates the separation of church and state. Spiritual health care is a dangerous dance to tango. Where do you draw the line on spiritual treatment and just plain insanely dangerous? All you have to do is ask new age guru James Arthur Ray next time you need a sweat lodge session.
Death of Print: Top Magazine Closures in 2009
Larado Texas has a big claim. It will soon be the largest city in America without a bookstore.
Hurrah for illiteracy! With a population of nearly a quarter of a million people, Laredo’s last holdout for literary culture is a B. Dalton’s which is planned to close next month.
Get this: once B. Dalton’s closes the nearest book store will be 150 miles away in San Antonio. Holy f*ck! It’s so pathetic that schoolchildren even started a writing campaign to B. Dalton’s parent company (Barnes & Noble) to remain open. (But the city does boast an awesome go-cart track.)
The closure is a clear a sign of the dumbing down of America and the slow Bataan Death March of print. Just in 2009 alone, 383 magazines folded within the first nine months of this year.
So as 2009 comes to a close here’s a close here’s a shout-out to some of our dead homies in the print industry that fell by the wayside as sad victims of the publishing crash:
Grab your 40 ounce and give a shout-out to the top magazines who died in 2009:
- Country Home – 1,200,000 circulation
- Domino – 1,100,000
- Nick (Nickelodeon) Magazine – 1,000,000
- Gourmet – 977,000
- Hallmark Magazine - 750,000
- Travel & Leisure Golf - 650,000
- Time Style & Design – 550,000
- (tie) Cookie – 500,000
- (tie) Best Life – 500,000
- Condé Nast Portfolio – 450,000
To all our dead print homies–we salute you!
What are your thoughts about the death of print media? Will you miss magazines and newspapers? Let us know!
Porn Sunday, The XXX Church, and You!
“Porn is the hate literature of our time!” I read from Think Before You Look—a book regarding America’s porn addiction and how it can be cured through, yes of course, Jesus.
As I page through the publication, I remark, to the large, highly repressed woman with glasses in matching tweed suit jacket and skirt, who is manning the table, “Today’s sermon was nothing short of, how do I say, powerful!”
“So it hit home,” she says with un-blinking eye-contact
“Yeah,” I remark with an ultra-solemn face, adding a jerking hand-motion as if I were gripping my Thomas Jefferson. “I used to work it about a dozen times a day. {Pause} “Sometimes two dozen.” I add with a guttural moan, continuing to page through Think Before You Look.
“My husband’s testimony is in that book,” she points out matter-of-factly, almost proud.
I read, “Internet porn soon made me sexually disinterested in my wife…..”
How surprising. Who would have thought that her husband would become sexually disinterested in this piece of work? Welcome to Porn Sunday. Created by a Christian ministry named the XXX Church, Porn Sunday is designated to warn church-goers about the evils of porn.
Put The ‘Christ’ Back Into Christmas With the CHRIST-Mas Tree
In the war on Christmas one company is taking no prisoners.
Boss Creations of Nashville has devised a Christmas tree with a cross cunningly and subtly inserted directly in the middle of it. No missing the measure here: this is a symbol of both baby Jesus and nailed-to-the-cross Jesus.
Potential for many jokes here, but why don’t we let the press release from Boss Creations speak for itself:
NASHVILLE, TN, December 08, 2009 /24-7PressRelease/ — Boss Creations, a new holiday decor company, has introduced the new “CHRIST-mas” Tree, featuring the unique trait of a trunk in the shape of a wooden cross. Company owner Marsha Boggs says the tree was specifically designed to counter the “war on Christmas.”
“When I became a Christian a few years ago,” says Boggs, “I was appalled by the secularization of the Christmas holiday. When retail stores started substituting ‘Happy Holidays’ for ‘Merry Christmas,’ and schools began calling their Christmas programs ‘Winter Plays,’ it all seemed ridiculous to me. That’s why we have created products that remind people what the Christmas season is really all about – the birth of Christ.”
The “CHRIST-mas” Tree is size adjustable up to 7.5 foot tall to accommodate various ceiling sizes. Additionally, the company offers ornaments, wreaths and gift items all with Christian-based themes.
Legal fights over Christmas symbolism continue to create headlines such as a recent ban on religious songs in a New Jersey school district where the federal appeal judges noted “such songs were once common in public schools, but times have changed.” Lawsuits regarding Christmas trees being taken down from public buildings have sparked anger across the country. Boggs says Boss Creations’ mission is to uphold the traditional meaning of the Christmas season, and from their sales, the company will be supporting two non-profits that work as advocates for religious freedom. A portion of the proceeds of all “CHRIST-mas” Tree sales will go to support the American Center of Law & Justice, an organization recently hailed by BusinessWeek as “the leading advocacy group for religious freedom,” as well as to the Liberty Counsel, a nonprofit litigation, education and policy organization dedicated to advancing religious freedom, the sanctity of human life and the traditional family.
I think the CHRIST-mas tree is the Snuggie of 2009 !
Is This A Sign of Twitter’s Slow Death March?
Remember the days of 2008 when Twitter was the tech- rage-of-the-moment? Well, TechCrunch has reported:
Yes, at some point this week, Facebook will roll out the ability to send your status updates to its rival, Twitter, we’ve confirmed. This will be built-in directly to its UI and not through some separate app you have to install, we’re told. It will be similar to the functionality it rolled out for its Pages feature in August, but this will be available on all profiles.
The feature will be built right into the Facebook user’s interface. Yes, Twitter has officially jumped the shark. Let Twitter join hands with My Space and let the death march begin.
What Will Be Found In The 22 Million Missing Bush Administration E-mails?
Now a broader canvas of the George W. Bush administration can finally be told.
Computer technicians have found 22 million missing e-mails from the George W. era. Not 22 thousand…..22 million. According to the Associated Press, the e-mails only surfaced after two groups–Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington and theNational Security Archive--filed lawsuits over the failure of the Bush White House to install an electronic record-keeping system.
Two sides of the story:
Former Bush White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said that the 22 million e-mails had been recovered while Bush was in office and that misleading statements about the former administration’s work demonstrate “a continued anti-Bush agenda, nearly a year after a new president was sworn in.”
The other side of the coin:
The 22 million e-mails “would never have been found but for our lawsuits and pressure from Capitol Hill,” said Anne Weismann, chief counsel for CREW. “It was only then that they did this reanalysis and found as a result that there were 22 million e-mails that they were unable to account for before.”
Crazy. The emails would have never been recovered if it weren’t for the pressure from these two groups. What will be found within these 22 million emails? Is it going to be like finding the lost 18 1/2 minutes on the Nixon Watergate tapes where we find out the true plot behind Cheney and crew fooling the public over an unjust invasion of Iraq? Or will it a lot of e-mails from Geroge W. talking about baseball and pretzels stuck in his throat? Strange how 22 million e-mails went missing during the key years of the war.
Presidential records of the Bush administration won’t be available to the public until 2014 at the earliest.
