Did you know that the commonly-held concept of Hell is not supported by the Bible?

There's mention of a lake of fire, and the word "hell" does come up, but there are definitely no pitchfork-weilding monsters eternally abusing dead people for unrepentant ox-coveting, etc.

So why did church leaders come up with it?

Answer: It has a certain appeal.

What is that certain appeal?

Answer: (this is an easy one) It instills fear.

I can imagine some early Christian leaders discussing the idea behind closed doors:

Pope Magic the Severalth: Gentlemen, numbers are WAY down. We need to think outside the book...

St. Misbehavin: Let's tell 'em they'll be tortured forever - like, even after they die - if they don't start fillin' them seats, and the collection plates!

Bishop Tonightspawn: Er, I think that might be a bit too much...

Pope: No, no! I think he might have something here. We've TRIED temporary torture. Doesn't work - they just keep dying. Let's explore this "forever" angle.

Bishop: They won't buy it. There's no biblical evidence.

Saint: Bullshit. There's the whole "cast into a lake of fire" bit.

Pope: (nodding, excited) Right, right!

Bishop: Granted, but that seems pretty finite to me. I mean, wouldn't they just burn up?

Pope: Oh... Uhm... (glances over at St. Misbehavin)

Saint: Well, they - Who's to say their skin can't keep growing back? They'll buy it. (glances out the window at some wild-eyed congregants holding "God Hates Sodomites" signs) Think about who it is we're talking about here...

Pope: We're done, then. A threat of eternal suffering it is. Nice work, boys! Get some pamphlets printed up for next Sunday!

Bishop: Jesus Christ...

Pope: Hey, watch that shit!

Bishop: Too soon...?

Hell is Very Bad

There is a holy assload of scriptural quotes suggesting that our post-life options are limited to death (obliteration), and heaven (life everlasting).

And consider this. In Jude 1:7, we're told that, because some of their citizens were into blowjobs and backdoor action, the entire cities of Sodom and Gomorrah suffered eternal fire - the cities themselves burned forever. Now, it's unfortunately true that cities in the Middle East have been known to burn from time to time, but so far, they've always gone out eventually.

So the "forever/eternal" concept is tossed around fairly loosely in the bible anyways.

The unsettling truth is, there's only one sort of Christian church in North America whose attendance has not dropped dramatically over the past couple decades. Those are the fire and brimstoney-type denominations (the Pentecostals, and fundamentalists of all stripes).

Why? Here's my guess at part of the reason:

In this mostly cozy, take-a-pill-if-you're-sad society, the reward of Heaven isn't a good enough reason to dismiss both science and rational thought. Who needs "Heaven" when we've already got the internet, iced cappuccinos and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors?

What IS needed to get the drones back into the temples is the fear of being eternally sentenced to a non-cozy, no-pills-when-you're-sad prison, filled with mean and scary monsters.

Next week, we'll be looking at Hell's slightly less-infernal cousin, Heck. It's a very bad place too, but not as profane. Plus they have a gym, a multi-faith chaplain, and conjugal visits every fifty millennia.

This makes me very, very happy. This is exactly what the world of aerobics needs: a Christian twist with messages and dance moves regarding stomping down Satan.

Brought to us by the fine folks at the Dream Keepers Ensemble, we learn such Christian choreographed aerobic dance moves as, “Shake the devil off,” Walk in his spirit,” and of course the legendary, “We stomp the devil down!”

Led by Paul Eugene–a man who is like the Billy Blanks of Christian aerobics-the result is something that slightly resembles country line dancing but with a Jesus twist. The best part about the video is his background dancer who diligently execute the Sanctified Slide; they seem rounded up at the very last minute for the video. The woman looks like she works in the cafeteria while the guy in the WalMart sweatpants has that classic creepy pedophile look and resembles Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.

And if you think the Sanctified Slide lives in some sort of You Tube bubble, I actually came across a video of a basement full of people ready to stomp Satan down as they line dance for Jesus:

 

What an absolute religious-fanatical tool Pat Robertson is.

 A 7.o earthquake struck Haiti on Tuesday: a major catastrophe for one of the world’s poorest countries. With no exact estimate on the number dead and wounded, ambassador Raymond Alcide Joseph told CNN:

“The only thing I can do now is pray and hope for the best.”

One would get a completely different reaction on this horrific disaster if they asked TV evangelist/complete delusional douche, Pat Robertson. Taking a typical page from the extreme religious right, Robertson believes the horrors in Haiti occurred because:

“They got together and made a pact with the devil!”

Addressing his viewers on the 700 Club, Robertson elaborated on the Haitian revolt against the French in the 19th century:

“They were under the heel of the French…and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said, we will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.”

Robertson concluded that ever since then (the Haitians, by the way, were revolting against slavery), they’ve been cursed by one thing after another. With the typical mentality of the extreme religious right, I’m very surprised that Pat Robertson didn’t blame the devastating earthquake in Haiti on all the homosexuals in the world.

Pat Robertson  you seem to have all the answers. Now go away you sad, little man–we don’t need your smug, faux religious superiority in this sad time of crisis.

Christian Scientists are protesting against Obama’s health care plan.

Unlike the Tea Party Patriots, they don’t see the plan as socialist. They want their form of medical treatment to be included in the bill: prayer.Christian Scientists are lobbying lawmakers to include their alternative to medical care–which is spiritual healing and prayer–to be covered by private insurers. Prayer practitioners can charge up to $50 per prayer session and the religious sect wants these type of charges to be acknowledged in the health care plan.

“It’s our intention that the health care bill recognizes the fact that medical care is not the only form of health care,” said Eric Nelson, spokesman for the Christian Science church in Northern California and also a practitioner. Christian Science’s alternative medical practices have always been tainted with controversy.

Astute example which occurred in Oregon City involving spiritual healing:

"As the 15-month-old girl struggled to breathe, church members anointed her with oil and pleaded with God to provide a cure. But Ava died March 2, 2008, of bronchial pneumonia and a blood infection. Antibiotics could have saved her life, the state medical examiner’s office said."

In another tragic case, Christian Science parents used prayer, instead of medical professionals, to try to heal their 2-year-old son of a painful bowel obstruction.

Besides dismissing the idea as “ridiculous,” opponents of prayer coverage warn that this type of legislation also violates the separation of church and state. Spiritual health care is a dangerous dance to tango. Where do you draw the line on spiritual treatment and just plain insanely dangerous? All you have to do is ask new age guru James Arthur Ray next time you need a sweat lodge session.