Cap'n Crunch is a pimp-slapped whore.

At one time he reigned the breakfast cereal Seven Seas. Now, it's been disclosed that the purple, teal, and green berries used in the good Crunch's Crunchberries are actually "cereal balls" flavored with strawberry concentrate.

This information came very shocking to  Janine Sugawara of San Diego. She cried fraud that Crunchberries didn't actual contain berries, and took Cap'n Crunch to court. 

The Cap'n in Happier Times

In a heated lawsuit, Judge Morrison Enland Jr. proclaimed:

This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry." ... A reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . . So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.Plaintiff did not explain why she could not reasonably have figured this out at any point during the four years she alleged she bought Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries in reliance on defendant's fraud.

It was determined that Crunchberries would not be effective in preventing scurvy. The judge also pointed out that  Sugawara once filed another suit claiming that Froot Loops did not contain real, um, froot. 

Cap'n Crunch celebrated the victory by pillaging and plundering the court house.